I spent last New Year’s Eve holed up in a Colorado ranch house, sick with the flu and making my way back to Utah. I had seen a certain someone over break and in my bones I knew it was the last time. Last New Year’s Eve marked the end of an era and the start of a new one. I had finally mended my long-broken heart; I was determined to live more deliberately, more passionately, but most of all to live for myself and no one else.
That winter semester I got two new jobs: I became a Writing Fellow and a secretary in the BYU English department. I immersed myself in these jobs and in my volunteer work on Inscape, a student journal. I had no real interest in any single guys I knew, so even though I went on some dates I didn’t involve myself with anyone.
Then, in April, I met a guy I’d somehow overlooked but actually very much liked, and as luck would have it he liked me too. He gave me my first kiss. We dated for a very short time before realizing we’d jumped into a relationship without developing any sort of strong friendship first. It wasn’t working out, so it came to an end.
I spent my precious summer months hiking, running, playing sports, writing, and even working the English department desk in the mornings. I went to Disneyland, St. George, Moab, Washington, D.C., and even came home for a little while. And somewhere between all those adventures, I found myself falling for someone new.
It all became more complicated as fall came around. There were a lot of ups and downs in my personal life as well as in my school life. I drifted a lot, unsure of what I wanted. Sometimes everything was wonderful, better than I could ever imagine, and sometimes it was a nightmare. I continued my work on Inscape and as a secretary and Writing Fellow. I acquired a car. My older brother got married. I spent long hours in the library and at friends’ apartments, building a different life from what I’ve ever expected for myself.
And finally the semester was over. I came home to regroup, to celebrate Christmas with the family, to breathe. I’ve made some tough decisions while I’ve been here. I am feeling some similar sentiments to those I felt last New Year’s Eve, though this time I’m celebrating with almost my whole family, in a place much more familiar to me. I am missing someone terribly and trying to set some attainable resolutions for the coming twelve months. I believe I can be better. I believe I can be strong. I believe I can make this year a good one, even a great one, if I am determined.
- Fulfilling My Own Promise: A Year End’s Blog Post (luccava.wordpress.com)